An Invitation (Sensitive Material)

Dear Friends,

I’m going to share something deeply personal, so if today isn’t the day to hear it, this is your invitation to not read any further. (and that's ok!)

It’s gonna get a little serious.

This year, I have emotionally re-lived the abuse I endured in my first relationship. The young man I dated from age 17-20 physically, psychologically, and sexually abused me. He used humiliation frequently, making me sleep on the floor of my dorm room naked and wet. There was a schedule where I had to perform sexual acts, and often when he was mad he would hit me. I would kneel in front of him and let him hit me. Although it didn’t feel right, he told me all relationships were like this and I believed him. He was my best friend.

I’m sharing this with you because I thought I had dealt with these events many years ago. I have forgiven this young man - I know he learned this kind of abuse from the adults in his household. I turned the word “abused” into “he did things to me I didn’t like and I didn’t do anything to stop him” because that perspective empowered me. That gave me personal peace of mind and put the power back into my hands for some time. Until recently, the events hardly ever crossed my mind and if they did it was without emotion. I was “fine”.

Now, I'm saying something about it:

The abuse of anyone is deplorable, and in particular the domination and abuse of women is a perpetration whose time has come.

It should not happen. Enough is enough.

Emotionally reliving traumatic abuse is not unique to me - especially in this election cycle. (Read: Sexual Assaults are the Election Cycle’s Biggest Story - And They’re Literally Making Women Sick) I believe in the ability for us to elect anyone who represents what we believe to be true; what’s shocking is that a big portion of Americans are OK with - and even championing - one of the top candidates who repeatedly uses domination as a tactic to get what he wants. I’ll say it another way: Large portions of American society are OK with being dominated and watching others be dominated and objectified. The biggest relief, and it’s tragic because I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, is that I’m not alone in feeling nauseated, anxious, and furious about this.

For both women and men, I want us to learn to use our anger and disgust to do better. It is up to us to notice our pain, observe it, and learn ways to use it to make a difference in our lives and for others. (Read: How Rejecting Anger Stunts Our Leadership) Experiencing anger was not always safe, and many of us didn’t have great models for how to express it - and so we didn’t and we don’t.

But shutting down, numbing out, tuning out, and “being fine” about the horrific aspects of our collective humanity doesn’t help us in the short run, and we miss an opportunity to make changes in our world in the long run when we indulge in resignation or numbness. Allowing ourselves to deeply connect with our anger provides an access to connect with our deepest desires of how we want things to be.

Connecting with yourself, deeply and honestly, can start with something as simple as watching The Pussy Talks - a documentary of women sharing their most intimate sexual anatomy. Appropriate for both women and men as a way to connect to the source we all come from, The Pussy Talks is available for viewing online (as of TODAY) and there are two live screenings scheduled in Austin with the Director herself, Mukee Okan, this fall. (Full Disclosure: Mukee is a copywriting client at victorialucia.)

I highly recommend watching the documentary, whether it’s immediately appealing or challenging… or both! Be willing to engage in a dialog with your partners & loved ones about this topic, and above all give yourself permission to be curious about yourself and the source you come from.

For me, in watching the documentary and working with Mukee, I realized how numbed out and disconnected I was from that part of who I am. I had no relationship to my sex anatomy, and the documentary was uncomfortable for me to watch (and she was my client!). Since watching it three months ago, and again in a live screening, I have noticed layer after layer of suppressed pain and shame has disappeared. I feel more sensations on my body, I feel more connected to myself as a woman, I speak louder, I hold myself more gently. I connect more deeply with other women, and I've started healing my relationship to men. And because I opened up here, I’ve been willing to open up further in other opportunities to connect and heal as they appeared. This was a safe, powerful first step for me.

Note: Not everyone’s experience watching the documentary will be the same as mine and this isn’t a documentary about abuse or overcoming abuse.

The Pussy Talks is designed to allow anything to arise inside of you so you can start healing in your own way and fall in love with yourself. Sometimes men and women experience feelings of shame - and it’s not the case with every individual. The ultimate point isn’t to watch the documentary or not, but to really inquire, “What do I need now as a woman?” or “What do I need now as a man?

I’m committed to having real conversations in our families and communities about topics that are really important to us. That’s why I work with top educators and experts around the world who have been bringing these conversations to us for decades - and I get them online and in the hands of our newest generations.

WE (you, the one reading this) are the ones who will make the difference in the lives of those we cherish, and I’m clear we must heal ourselves while we are serving other parts of humanity. Please join me in viewing The Pussy Talks online or at a live screening.

I appreciate your listening and am with you on your journey - however near or far. Thank you for being with me on this journey.

Passionately... Fiercely,
Victoria Montemayor
Creative Director
victorialucia.com

P.S. I know this is a super sensitive topic - and that’s exactly why I’m bringing it up. If you’d like to engage in a discussion about any aspect of this letter that’s important to you, I’m here to listen.

Victoria Lucia Montemayor

victorialucia, Austin, TX

Victoria Lucía Montemayor is the Creative Director of victorialucia: a website + copywriting business that’s the best expression of your life’s work online.

A proud advocate of both business and service, Victoria has worked worldwide as both an analyst for the federal government (in both Washington, DC & Baghdad, Iraq) and as a strategist for small business owners.

She is known for her crisp communication and innovative problem solving. In fact, she doesn't believe problems exist - there is just a need to try a new way of producing results.

Victoria wants everyone with a good heart to know how to share themselves and their work online. Visit her and join her team of masters expressing their life's work at victorialucia.com.