Happy F*%&ing Holidays: The Ultimate Guide to Spending Christmas Alone
(Also known as Tales of a 6x Christmas Solo Champion)
It doesn’t matter how nice you are, or how much money you have, or even how much you’ve grown this year (and it certainly doesn’t matter how many blood relatives are still alive)… At some point in your life, you might face the prospect of what was previously the unthinkable: spending Christmas solo.
When it happened to me the first time I was a #newlifechapter kinda gal and was 100% clear I would not go to my childhood home by choice — but I didn’t expect my at-the-time dear friend would cancel our plans the day before Christmas Eve (via text) and I would be crying into the phone to my mentor and therapist.
(Believe it or not the almost exact same thing happened last year, too, with some other now-former friend! Clearly, I was meant to write this guide and clearly I still am letting some people in too far into my inner circle. We all have our lessons to learn…)
But now that my credibility has been somewhat established, let me get a lil bit real…
Whether you’re spending or have spent Christmas solo by choice or due to circumstances outside your control, first, let me say I’m sorry. You might not be reading this if the holidays were reliably or expectedly happy and meaningful to you, and that sucks.
Maybe something traumatic happened on Christmas last year, or maybe someone important to you passed away and it doesn’t feel the same without them. Or, maybe you’ve never had a Christmas holiday that didn’t include some kind of yelling, crying, and major dysfunction (and you’re so. over. it).
Expected or unexpected, I’m so sorry about what has happened.
The best part? Coming from your own 6x Christmas Solo Champion, I can solidly vouch that there’s a happy ending in your future this holiday season. One that is meaningful, magical, and that can fit into any budget.
Want to learn now to have truly happy holidays this year (or next)? Keep reading.
A messy Rx
First off — let me be clear: This guide is not an Rx for holiday perfection. You’re going to have to let that go because perfection is part of the reason you’re in holy hell to begin with.
Take a big breath right now, do a full body shake, and walk over to a window. Look outside at the sky and remember that you’re on a rock rotating in a black universe made of stars & mystery. Take another biiiig breath. And then listen to these words:
Christmas — and any other holiday — is at its core another day. A meaningful one, for sure, but you can get through any day. I promise you. You’ve gotten through many days to get to to-day.
And if you can get through any day, then you can make Christmas merry and happy, too.
Now for the practical stuff. I’m starting right in the middle with the big white elephant in the room — Christmas Day. As much as I’d love for you to have found this article way in advance, the truth is you probably are reading this right before the holiday and need some help STAT.
On Christmas Day: How to Get Through it Alone
Think it through. What were your favorite parts of the holiday as a little kid? If you were your own little kid — what would he or she just love to do now?
Think through what would make YOU feel good and make that commitment to yourself that you’ll only do things you feel good about. Don’t force yourself to do anything, but also don’t wing it. Take a few minutes to determine what you want to do this year.
You can pick and choose which traditions you’ve seen or experienced that you want to bring forward and which you want to leave behind. It might even start to feel fun.
How I spend Christmas Day — now that I’m an ‘alone’ pro
My Christmas actually starts on Christmas Eve, because that’s how my biological family celebrated growing up and I like keeping that part. I buy tamales and make my best Mexican meal.
I also usually spend Christmas Eve wrapping presents to myself. More on the genius of self gift giving later on.
When I wake up on Christmas Day, I shower because even though I spend the day lounging it feels so good to have a fresh face and fresh undies. I’ve even made it a tradition to give myself a set of pajamas as a gift each year. Luxurious, soft pjs that I feel sexy in and I *know* fit. (What doesn’t make the cut? Reindeer flannel. No reindeer flannel!)
Christmas morning also means going on a hike. All it takes are my tennis shoes, and being outside the apartment helps me remember there’s a huge world out there. Touching the ground, breathing fresh air, and seeing life around me is essential.
But before doing any of these things I have a real egg breakfast. Chocolate sugar crashes and vodka hangovers are extra horrific on Christmas. Be a good caretaker of YOU and eat at a good breakfast before you find yourself in a slump that’s too hard to get out of solo.
By mid-morning Christmas Day it feels like any other Saturday watching movies and Netflix and I’m emotionally home free. Remember, for me the big celebration is Christmas Eve so I don’t usually have a Christmas Day dinner to plan for or participate in.
Things I Absolutely Avoid on Christmas Day
Invites from strangers. I don’t say yes to an invite to spend Christmas with someone just because I don’t want to be alone. Remember this is likely a sensitive time for you and this new family or other Christmas orphans might have their own holiday baggage that you’ll have to swim in for hours. Not worth it!
At the same time, if you get a good vibe from someone by all means follow the vibe.
Whether you join another group or not isn’t the issue; just consider where you’re coming from when you’re making the decision. If you’re feeling sad for yourself and afraid to be alone, that’s not a good place to make a decision from. Get to a better feeling place and then see if you want to accept the invite.
Collapsing. While I tend to make things easy on myself during Christmas, I don’t let myself get lazy. It’s ok to feel sad, it’s certainly ok to eat microwave meals, but this is also a time to rally for yourself. Go to the store and find three things you can afford and take the time to wrap them, even if you’re wrapping apples and all you’ve got is newspaper (more below!). I promise you, there will be dividends in rallying and going the extra mile for yourself.
Thoughts of suicide. Phew, this is a big one. I experienced suicidal thoughts the second year I was solo. I worked hard all year to improve my relationships with everyone in my life, cutting out the bad ones and investing in better ones.
When I realized I was completely solo for the second year in a row I felt a mix of emotions. Some of them were empowering because I knew I had gone through it all before and knew I could do it again.
Many of my thoughts were super self-critical, understandably, because I had worked so hard to not spend Christmas alone again — and yet there I was. “Nobody cares about you. You aren’t worth it. It’ll be better to just end things. You ruined things.”
Let me be clear — my life overall is truly phenomenal. But it was Christmas, and my emotions were heightened. Circumstances sucked. I was vulnerable. I didn’t try anything to physically harm myself and never would, but that kind of critical self-talk and the emotions that went with it was super difficult to deal with.
The point of sharing this is that I really just want you to know that it’s completely normal to feel extra sad or other extreme emotions around the holidays. Whatever you do — Christmas day is not a day to give in. I’m serious; do whatever it takes. If you’re feeling like you need professional help you can call the National Suicide Hotline at Call 1–800–273–8255. You are worth it.
Now, back to the fun stuff.
Before Christmas Day: The First & Only Thing You Need to Do
I didn’t realize that this would be so novel to people — but let me tell you: you can buy your own gifts for yourself!!!!
As the primary breadwinner in your house, you can buy anything you want, wrap it, and put it under the tree, and then open it on Christmas Day.
From, me. I love you madly.
A vintage ornament I found to commemorate my first solo Christmas
My personal favorites:
Books & puzzles to keep me engaged on The Day
Pajamas… because, lounging!
An ornament to commemorate each year and to declare that this Christmas was special.
Got a low budget Christmas? I’ve bought + wrapped these items before:
Oranges
Travel size hair spray and dry shampoo ($1 ea.)
Ricola cough drops (because cedar fever is real!)
Splitting a package of individually wrapped Reese’s into several different gift bags
Schedule a night before Christmas Eve, although I totally shopped on Christmas Eve my first year, and walk around Target with your pre-allocated budget and allow yourself to pick anything you want. REALLY. No justification needed.
For some reason this year buying a fuzzy robe was a huge splurge for me. I didn’t buy the practical one, I didn’t buy the cheaper one, I bought the one I felt GREAT in. Deep green velour-ish… I didn’t realize how often I don’t let myself get what I really want and that was a huge gift on its own.
What really makes Self-Gifts a genius move:
The card! When wrapping gifts Christmas Eve, I make sure to write a note on every gift. The first year, I had paper bags and I wrote directly on the bags. I thought about the young woman opening the gifts the next day and what I wanted her to know about life and about her future. I wrote the words that she always wanted to hear from her parents or her (non-existent) romantic lover, or even a confidant. I meant every word I wrote.
Going to bed and waking up the next day was long enough to forget exactly what I had written. When I read the notes on my paper bags the next day they brought tears to my eyes. Somebody in real life thought about the me reading the cards and wanted to make sure I knew I was loved. Someone (me!) has my back. That was and is everything.
And this is why I said to focus on rallying and not collapsing. On Christmas Eve, make sure every little thing you have selected for yourself is wrapped and under the tree. It might take a bit of effort that you don’t want to put in, but going to bed and waking up the next day to a tree full of presents is magical.
Ready for some Next Level Moves?: Here’s some Champion-level Solo Christmas Ideas
Decide on Holiday decorations: The first year I was spending Christmas solo I knew my favorite part of Christmas was the tree so I went out of my way to get one. It was huge, took a lot of my energy to decorate, but lasted for about 4–6 weeks and was a huge comforting presence in my house for the entire month. This year I got a tree the weekend after Thanksgiving. Now I save in advance so I can get any size tree I want and won’t feel conflicted about spending a nice chunk of change.
What decorations would be fun for you to put up? Rally and do the work of making your own Christmas cheer.
Starting at Thanksgiving: Anytime you make a purchase for something you don’t need right away, put it in a special box and don’t touch it. I’ve put extra shampoo, black-friday-deals, and special socks from REI in my box — really anything that I didn’t need right away. Guess what gets wrapped on Christmas Eve? Yup, everything in the box. Bonus points if you wrap presents in November so you have time to really forget what they are.
Plan your own holiday events: Don’t wait for invites from others — do other Christmas-y things with your friends (or the crowds!) before everyone takes off for their family-time. Host a cookie baking party, grab a few friends or neighbors to see the lights, go to a symphony by the local orchestra, invite people over to help you decorate your tree. This spreads out the holiday celebration beyond ‘The Day.’
Two more additions from recent years:
Make a music video to combat grief during winter
Ask friends to send you cards to save and open on Christmas day
Playing Santa: I did this for the first time this year. I had bought little gifts for my meditation group. I staked their houses Christmas Eve, even turning off my car’s headlights so they wouldn’t suspect anything, and “Santa” left gifts on their doorsteps. Yes, I literally watched my friend C through her kitchen window (don’t judge, she didn’t close the blinds!) to track her traffic patterns and then snuck up to her front door commando-style to leave her gift bag and then ran back to my car giggling like a little elf.
That was super fun on its own, but hearing stories from my friends the next day about how surprised they were to find the gift they weren’t expecting at their door was priceless. I became a source sharing of Christmas spirit on my own.
Look, sweetie, the truth is you’re not the kid anymore at Christmas.
You’re not the victim of your family or your circumstances, no matter how horrible or unexpected they are. That could feel like a burden when you read that, OR it could feel like liberation.
You get to make the holidays what you want. Start with the suggestions I share here, but go and make this your day and your season. It’s actually a super helpful approach to any crappy situation — take it and make it all your own.
So, my first Christmas alone? Besides being thrust into it unexpectedly, it was the first one I remember without any other major drama, drunk adult, or other dysfunction. Same for the second one 🥰🥰🥰
Instead, my Christmases alone have been full of self-love, tamales, and twinkling lights. My little kid inside has been happy and I’m the one who makes sure she is.
Happy F*%&ing Holidays, amiga. You got this.
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Acknowledgements for this guide go out to: my therapist & mentor Steve Flynn, all the crap situations that helped me see how I could be the strong person I’ve always dreamed of being, my friends for their feedback, and this guide from Buzzfeed’s Rachel Miller which totally helped me get through my first Christmas alone.
And, if you’re feeling like you need professional help you can call the National Suicide Hotline at Call 1–800–273–8255. You are worth it.
